By Kirsten Nicole
August 7, 2023
It is officially August and I have spent the better part of the last week working on any one of three projects.
School Preparation and Curriculum Writing (the jury is still out on whether giving a writing teacher the job of writing curriculum about writing was a good idea)
My current work-in-progress, a play...that I want to have done by September 12th (if you're an email subscriber, you know why this is the case. Trust me, email subscribers get the most juicy, up-to-date content)
A book proposal, one-sheet, and pitch for Midnight (for the conference which is in 16 days, 9 hours, 26 minutes and 27 seconds.... (26, 25, 24, 23....)
All of these projects require major brain power. Like, it takes me a solid thirty minutes to get into the brain space of just knowing where I left off when writing curriculum, and the same amount of time is required to get into a focused zone for my book proposal and work-in-progress.
Of course, the work-in-progress deadline is a personal deadline, but it is very important to me. I long to have completed my first draft by then. Curriculum writing can't wait, since I'm starting school in 1 day, 12 hours, 23 minutes and 31 seconds (30, 29, 28, 27...). And since the conference similarly has a very hard deadline, I'm stuck in a constant cycle of a whole bunch of time wasted...not because I'm not working hard, but because I'm trying to get in the right headspace for whatever project I need to do.
This has led to being rather overwhelmed. Normally, I can talk myself out of being overwhelmed and stressed with a "it's just a season" pep talk. However, this season feels too short to even spend any time on a pep talk.
Okay, maybe a bit dramatic, but I'm also preparing for theatre class. Which starts in 2 days, 12 hours, 17 minutes, and 52 seconds (you get the idea).
However, in the midst of this craziness, the Lord reminded me of a lesson I'm still learning. One He started teaching me earlier this summer.
That is...where my identity lies.
My identity does not lie in playwriting. It does not lie in my ability to achieve goals I have set for myself. My identity does not lie in being a perfect teacher (thank goodness!). Nor does it lie in whether or not I am a published author. In fact, my identity has nothing to do with whether I feel successful by coming away from this conference with a contract, or an agent, or a sliver of hope that someone likes my writing. The Lord reminded me, if my writing is according to His will, I have the most competent and efficient Agent there is. If my teaching is according to His will, He'll take my bumbling lessons and prepare the right students for what they need to hear. If my playwriting is according to His will, He'll give me the direction, the clarity of thoughts, and the very words that I need to put on that page.
I'm realizing...this whole identity thing...touches on a lot of areas of life. It affects peace. Purpose. Passion. Vision. Drive. Direction. Guilt. Relationships. Time management. And the list goes on. In fact, as I sat in church on Sunday and pondered my personal struggle with pride, I realized, if my identity is solely in Christ and not a facade of how others view me, then even arrogance is irrelevant. If my identity is in Christ and not myself, then there is no room for pride. My goal must be to lift up Christ, and Christ alone. How I look doing it doesn't matter.
My identity is in Christ. He has set aside good works for me to do, and if I do them for His glory, regardless of the outcome, there is success.
Handing over identity is a constant for me. It isn't a one and done. But I pray the Lord continues to soften my heart to His guidance on my life.
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