Resolution to an Identity Crisis

(Which Does Not Involve an Expensive Purchase)

By Kirsten Nicole

July 3, 2023

Recently, many of you have followed along as I've had a disruptive identity crisis related to my writing. Kind of an inconvenient time to have one as I search for agents to publish my book. Shouldn't I be confident and plowing ahead?

This weekend, I was able to spend time with my dad, while he cleaned his garage. I talked his ear off, but he said he was happy to have a garage buddy and I was able to do some much-needed processing.

And here are the conclusions at which I have arrived....Brace yourself for honesty.

In the past, I've been scared to give my writing to God because I was afraid of what He would have me write. I was terrified of being bored for the rest of my writing career.

Told you I was going to be honest. But truly, that was where I was. I knew that wasn't a right a response. I knew it was selfish. But those were the fears I had in turning over every aspect of my writing to Jesus. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to write the things I wanted to write, but would rather be coerced into writing highly theological, detached, dry treatises. (That is not to say theological treatises are bad or don't have their place. It was just the thought of writing them that was overwhelming.) But in the midst of my "identity crisis," the Lord began to bless my heart as He pulled my writing away from me.

He took my writing and asked me if I was willing to give it up. But then, He held it open in front of me with a stern reminder that everything, including writing, belonged to Him, not me. And when He softened my heart to agree with Him....I realized...when it came to being "bored" writing for God....

Nothing could be further from the truth!

For the last two years, I've been sitting around waiting for inspiration, secretly terrified what I would write about once I got the ball rolling with publication for Midnight. Zero inspiration. Zero motivation. I looked around at all my writer friends, who concocted moving, engaging, exciting stories and had an abundance in the storehouse of to-be-written ideas, and then I compared my drafty little cellar with a few dying moths, empty of novel ideas. It was discouraging. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew the problem was that I wasn't drawing from the correct Source of inspiration, but my stubborn flesh wanted to exhaust all other options first. The Lord has been so patient with me.

But when He pried open my hands (a bit painfully) and took writing in His hands, turning it over and showing me not only what I had made writing but what He wanted my writing to be....suddenly....

I found joy in writing again.

I had been clinging to the shriveled, crumbling weeds, but all along He had a fresh, blooming bouquet of wildflowers.

There is just no comparison to the "better" that He had. He gave me inspiration and excitement and drive. I haven't been so thrilled to write in two years. And, my goodness, writing is so much more transcendent when I realize the Creator of the universe holds it.

Friends, I have THE BEST Agent in the entire UNIVERSE! When Christ is the one leading my writing, when I recognize it's His story and I'm just sharing it, I can further rest in the fact that the audience who needs to hear this story will hear this story. The people who need to be touched by the words that He has me to write, will be touched by the words He has me to write. He will bring the right people at the right time, and all for His glory! It doesn't rely on my marketing skills, my presence on social media, my pitch. It is all in His hands for His glory. That may not look the way I had planned for it to look. That may not look like a line of my own published books on my shelf.

But whatever He has...it will be the best.

I hope you are able to identify the gifts the Lord has given you in your life and say, "Yes, that belongs to Jesus. And I know He is using it." I hope you are able to say, "Here is this thing that I love, Jesus. Take it. Use it. Be glorified through it." It is so rewarding to be a part of the story God is writing. I also know that this is not a one and done process. I know that the Lord will have to open my hands again in the future. And again. And again. Because I'm still human. I'm still selfish. I'm still being sanctified. But I hope that next time, He doesn't have to pry my fingers away. I hope a gentle touch is all that is required to remind me to keep my hands open.

So take my writing, Jesus. Take it. Use. Be glorified through it. Amen.