9,619 Days

By Kirsten Nicole

September 7, 2023

At the beginning of the summer, the Lord started me on a journey to write about my family and their journey through the unspeakable tragedy of losing my birth mom, Debbi, when she was only twenty-six years old.

I have always been amazed at my family, who experienced the shock of losing her and remember that day with vivid clarity, but who have come to the other side of that dark chasm with grace, always giving glory to God. The Lord has taken them all through the process of overwhelming grief, healing, and ultimately adoption as the family grew in the years that followed.

The Lord revived in me a passion for writing with this project. I haven't been excited to write in two years, but He has given me drive and excitement to write and to learn about His goodness in life's darkness. I've had the privilege to interview all of my family members and hear about their raw and personal struggles and life lessons through a death that completely changed their lives. And I can't wait to share the Lord's faithfulness with readers and an audience when the Lord makes clear this project is finished.

I find it interesting that God sparked the idea...one month after I turned twenty-six. Momma Debbi has been in my thoughts quite a bit lately as we near September 12th, the date I will be exactly the same age she was when she died. When I was young, twenty-six years and four months seemed so far away, and now that it's five days away, the reality of death is very close. When she was my age, she only had five days left of her entire life on this earth.

She was only twenty-six.

9,619 days old.

I've grown up hearing stories of her sweet spirit, her kind encouragements, her laugh, her love for Jesus and her family, and her impact on people (which I am still learning about today). And while she wasn't perfect, she has left a lasting legacy, which she created in only 9, 619 days.

It makes me wonder. If I died in five days, would people remember me the same way? Would they remember me and think of Jesus? Am I living life every day to the glory of Christ as if tomorrow could be my last day here? Eternity is close. Closer than we think. How am I preparing for it now?

In five days, I will be older than my mom. She will always be twenty-six, and I will be moving on...to new phases of life and experiences, more than she had while she was here. Am I using each day to His glory? We're not guaranteed any length of time. He numbers our days before we take our first breath, so how are we using the time He gives? Are we prepared for what comes after our last day? Be it 9,619, 19,238, or 28,857? Momma Debbi was ready, and I can't wait to see her again someday. But...the rest of the family wasn't prepared. They had to lean into Christ every day, to trust in His plan in the midst of such pain.

If I have learned anything from interviewing my family this summer, it has been that I can rest in God's sovereignty. He orchestrates purpose in every aspect of our lives, and when the time comes--whether we are the one to leave or the one left behind--He is present and active. He carries us through our breaking with love and tenderness. He holds us when the world comes to a standstill and nothing can ever be the same. He bears us Home, and we hope to hear from Him, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." He was not surprised by my mom's death, nor by any tragedy that shakes us to our very core. There is comfort in Christ. There is peace in Christ. There is purpose in Christ.

And that is something to rest in, is it not? I do not need to grasp for control. For one more day, minute, second.... He is in control. Always. He makes no mistakes. He will not be surprised when my final day comes.

And while it is not my responsibility to worry about when that day is, I will give an account for what I do with every day I am given until then.

So, how are you using your days?